Who am I? What am I doing? Right now I don’t have the answer to either of these things. Sometimes I find myself thinking about my life and how it could all have been so different. How I could now have all I thought I desired. The job, the husband, the kids, the house and of course the car. I learnt from a very young age that life doesn’t always go as you planned it, as you wanted it to and you think it should. Life has a flow of it’s own and I’m trying to ride it with as little resistance as possible. I have been hanging onto the banks of this river for years thinking I know better than nature it’s self. After so long of resisting the pull I got tired. I had enough. I let go.
To totally let go and not look back would be absolute freedom. No second guessing if I had held on a little bit longer would the currents have changed and taken me on a different path the path I wanted. To hold heartedly go with the flow and accept what comes is my aim. To stop questioning myself and my abilities is my aim. To stop being so hard on myself and just be grateful and enjoy that’s what I want.
I’m in Argentina where they speak Spanish and I speak none. In Buenos Aires to be exact. I’m currently in my hostel room with 5 others peacefully sleeping around me. It’s a Friday night and I just got back from a show that I went to on my own. I had moments of feeling acutely self conscious and uncomfortable but I also had moments of being completely present. It was nowhere near as scary as my mind would have let me believe it would be.
The last few days have allowed me to see just how fear has shaped my life for such a longtime. How I have avoided certain things, people, places and situations because I was to scared of the ‘outcome’ even though I had no idea what that might be. I realised that often because of fear and self consciousness I struggle to be myself. I feel up tight. I monitor every word I say for fear of sounding stupid. I’m a grown woman but I don’t feel like one. I’m still in the grips of the thoughts and beliefs that shaped me as a child. I’m still trying to escape them so I can just be me.
The thing is that had my life not have been this way I would not be here now. I would not be writing this. I am here now and I am writing this and you know what that tells me? It tells me that all is as it’s meant to be for me. I can fight it and feel as if some injustice has taken place or I can chose to believe that this is exactly where I am meant to be. Which option is more peaceful? You and I both know the answer.
I really thought I was meant to be a TV presenter and who knows maybe I still am. However life has taken me on a different route. At route that is challenging me constantly. Somedays I feel home sick and long for my friends, family and the things I know. Most days I feel like a failure. I go online and start doing the deadly ‘comparing’ myself to others and I freak out and think ‘what the fuck am I actually doing’ and ‘this is all very well and good now but what happens when you get back home with no job, no money, no man etc’. My mind runs wild. Those thoughts and beliefs are followed my feelings. Feelings of failure, feelings of doom, sadness and then comes depression. For the 1st time on my trip I have had a couple of days of feeling genuinely depressed. I know from past experience that when I feel like this I must just nature myself, eat well and do things that will help it lift the fog. I find reading spiritual books helps me reconnect with what’s really going on. I FaceTime friends and family, I watch movies but most of all i take a step back from the emotion, the depression. I can see it happening and what i have come to realise is if i can see the depression on the screen of my mind, if i can watch it happening then I am not it and it is not happening to me. I am just identified with it. This realisation doesn’t make it magically disappear but it changes it dramatically. It’s like as a child a web of thoughts and believes is sewn in our minds. All tangled. Now i’m untangling and undoing as a way of just getting back to neutral.
I didn’t want to write, vlog or talk to anyone. I just wanted to try figure ‘life’ out. Nothing too taxing then! When I don’t do what I set out to do I feel even more of a failure. This time around I just decided to let it go. To give myself some space. Depression isn’t something you fight and try to push out of you. I have said it before depression arises for a reason. An alert that something isn’t in balance, that another part of the web needs to be untangled. For me it was a couple of things;
My thinking and thus my beliefs that I have done the wrong thing and that I am a failure.
My diet – I eat to much especially when I feel down and then I get server bloating, trapped wind and constipation. Excuse the pun but I literally feel like SHIT.
My thinking and believing is an easy one. It’s negative and self condemning. How can I expect myself to succeed or be happy when I’m reminding myself of reasons I shouldn’t be and won’t be? When I’m comparing myself to other people and thinking ‘why can’t you be her’ or ‘why has he got success and I haven’t?’. It’s what i have always done. It has a huge effect over me and makes my achievements feel meaningless to me. It makes me feel like ‘I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH’ lol that one that just keeps coming back. I’m slowly grasping the concept that literally none of it is real. If it was real it wouldn’t change. If i can be feeling like I’m a massive failure etc and then the phone rings and I get offered a job or youtube video does particularly well and i feel amazing then what does that tell me? It tells me that the unhappiness is not a real state it’s just one induced by what I am thinking and feeling. If it’s to do with simply what I’m thinking and feeling then all I have to do is merely change that.
Changing thoughts and beliefs that have taken years for to be programmed into our minds may not be that simple but it is worth it. I read a great book a few years ago called ‘Stop the excuses’ by the late and great Dr Wayne Dyer. I made me realise that I had been playing quite a victim. We can all in control of our thoughts and thus our feeling. We can’t control what comes our way externally but internally we are king. If there is a thought or believe that we don’t want there we are in charge of getting rid of it. Even now I have moments where i find myself thinking ‘if I just had that job, or if I could just afford that house.’ but what I have come to realise is that even if I got those things I’d still feel the same or perhaps worse because I’d have more to lose and more ‘competition’. Without changing what is happening inside regardless of how much you obtain outside you will still feel the same. External stuff can bring you momentary, floating moments of happiness but it isn’t real happiness, it isn’t real contentment. That can only be reach when you turn your looking from he outside world to the inside universe that is you.
Happy happiness hunting,