What you gain when you give up everything

I’ve been on the road now for almost 2 and half months. I’ve visit the Caribbean and tried kite surfing, I’ve partied at Rio carnivals infamous Bloco parties, swam in waterfalls, taken a 32.5 hour bus journey, climbed into a volcano and I still have 6 months to go. It’s been a roller coaster of laughter, tears, excitement, fear, friendship and love.

 

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I’m learning people travel for many different reasons. I’ve met people traveling for fun, to see beauty, to experience other cultures, to run away from life and themselves and finally there’s those like me who want to face themselves head on. Couldn’t I have done that at home? No. What I’m learning is whilst I’m at home I have a never ending list of distractions. I’m constantly avoiding addressing and riding myself of the core beliefs and thoughts that determine and limit my life. The things that affect my thoughts and thus my emotional state. The ones I picked up as a child that have shaped both the person I am and the life I lead. Being away means I’m experiencing a much more intense look at these beliefs. It means I’m coming face to face with them. In the face of them I try to contemplate them and workout if they are even true. I write, I make videos or I try in vain to distract myself as I have done in the past. When the latter happens I am now acutely aware of what I’m doing and I’m able to talk about it and try to get myself back on track.
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Like all of us I’m a work in progress. I knew that my life in London couldn’t be a happy one until until I was at peace with myself. I knew I wouldn’t find peace for myself in London with all the distractions and my lack of focus. I’m genuinely learning a lot about myself. What I know is that to truly be with yourself is actually pretty hard work. You can be in the most beautiful place and still feeling anxious, alone and all the other things you’ve programme yourself to feel over the years.
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Now there is no running or hiding from my patterns. I started ‘My life your hands’ because I loved the idea and because I want to give up my life to travel. I started it to involve others and to share what I see and also what I learn. In my life I have many great ideas. I start strong and feel really positive and then if I don’t get the reaction I had hoped for with a short space of time I just give up on the idea. I let in fizzle out. I leave it. Why? Until now I have never really addressed it head on but here I am staring it in the eye. I see I’m scared of failing, of feeling irrelevant, of feeling unpopular and unliked, of my idea being shunned and ultimately I’m petrified of not being good enough to ever succeed at anything. I’m frighten I’m not good enough to be love and cared for. I believe I’m not good enough to be valued. Before you start thinking I sound like I’m having a pity party I am not. I telling you all of this so you how I feel and what I believe and have been believing for my entire adult life. I assumed that just who I was and how life was meant to be and now I’m here saying HELL NO. I want to love and care about me. I want to believe I am great, successful, loveable and valued. I’m on this trip to discover how. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am treasuring the lows without which there can be no highs. I’m excited about what I’m discover and learning. I’m even more excited about being able to share it.
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What I want people to know is that peace, happiness and contentment aren’t things you attain when you get the right job, meet the right person or live in the dream house. They are internal shifts in how you believe and therefore how you think. They are obtained not by the getting, purchasing and having of things outside of you, they are obtained by turning our attention inwards and seeing what’s there. What should be there and what shouldn’t. It’s about riding ourselves of what shouldn’t and strengthening what should. It’s about taking a look at what we believe and how we think about ourselves, our world and other people because ultimately it is this that determines the type of world we see and the type of world we live in.
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We think of the world as being outside of ourselves wen have no doubt the world is really within us. We all live in different world and yet we all live int he same world. The difference comes from how we view, perceive and judge what we see. All of those are determined inwardly by us. Therefore whats happening inside of us is vital and ultimately determines our whole world. Our internal is oh so powerful and yet we focus on the external to fine love, happiness and contentment. Ask yourself if whats inside shapes your whole world why can’t it give you these things too.
Love and light,
Claira
xxxxxx
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