I have an iphone and every now and then I get a notification that there is a new software update to make the running of my phone more productive. Experts come up with new coding that makes the phone more efficient and then I can just click a button to update my phone so it’s running to it highest capabilities. Isn’t it amazing what they can do?
As humans we to run off programmes. The programs of our subconscious mind that are mostly inputted by the time we reach the ripe old age of 7. Great. I certainly didn’t know what I know now when I was 7, so surely some of these programs would not work for me as a 36 year old. Correct. Unless I become aware of this and decided to do some work and make some changes I wont get an automatic update like my phone, there is no button I can just press.
Today I had a big realisation. I approach relationships with men in the way I did as a teenager. Me, a big woman, who has done a lot of work on herself, someone who wants to meet my other ½, my missing peace and settle down. If I am approaching relationships with the same thought processes I have used and failed with multiple times in the past, the likelihood is they won’t suddenly work now. Not to mention the fact that I am a grown up who is proud of herself, who has achieved a lot and who has come to know herself quite well over the last few years. It’s like this program was so ingrained that I just missed it.
Here I am wanting to meet someone but yet my programs are actively working against what I want. I just hadn’t noticed but today I caught myself. What is the program, the set of thoughts and beliefs that kick it? Well, I assume and accept as fact that men don’t want to be in a relationship with me and that I have to somehow convince them of my worth and worthiness of being ‘chosen’ by them to be worthy of them. CRAZY. It’s crazy but true. I always assume I’m the one on the back foot. I always approach it like I’m not fucking amazing and I don’t deserve to be loved unconditionally. When I checked in with myself about these beliefs and these feelings that I have whenever I start talking to someone I like I realised that I don’t even believe them. I know they are not true. But it’s like every time I talk to someone I like a switch is tripped and this mindset, this program starts to run. Until today I just assumed it was the norm. MAD.
If I am running from this program, believing, thinking and feeling from that place the likelihood is I wont create what I want. I’ll appear needy, desperate for reassurance and emotional which is in no way a reflection of who I am now or how I act in any other area of my life. It’s however how I felt as a child and teenager. That I wasn’t worthy of being loved, that no one liked me, that I needed to prove myself to people, no boy wanted to have me as his girlfriend but all of this happened when I was a child, not now. I can’t allow my 36 year old self run by a program that was created by the world view of a child. Now I know better, I do better (thanks Oprah for that gem).
Since this realisation I will be going through myself with a fine tooth comb to see what else is so ingrained that I don’t notice it running my life and holding me back.
What programs do you notice in your life? Are they servicing you well or do they need updating?
Much love and hugs,