What people think of me should not matter but it really really does. I often write about thoughts and beliefs that I have had for a long time that control so much of my life. What other people think of me is definitely one of those. I’m not sure exactly when it started but I know it’s real. I know that people I have never met who judge me have the power to hurt me. I also now know it’s me who gives them that power.
The fear of what people think of me is so huge because it is closely related to the belief ‘they don’t like me’. I was bullied at school for being fat and ugly. I was not a cool kid, I did not fit in. I was shy and being that child made things even worse. I was intimidated by the cool kids, the pretty girls and the handsome boys. I was intimidated because in those times I formed a belief that I was not as good as them. That I was a 2nd rate person in comparison to them. I truly felt and in certain situation still feel embarrassed to be me. WOW I said that. These beliefs that we form are not reality. They are created reality and if we created this reality we can create a different one.
With all this said now imagine me existing in the world I chose. The TV, Radio and Youtube one. A world where you are constantly judged. My biggest judge and the one who was by far the most destructive was me. I didn’t feel worthy or as good as my peers so I would revert to being a shy girl who avoid contact with these people. I would avoid conversation and contact with them because of how it would make me feel about myself and because I had already decided that these people did not like me. I wouldn’t even attempt to talk to them because I just didn’t feel I was good enough to talk to them. I thought they would judge me. All this was in my head. It felt real enough but it wasn’t physically real just mentally real. How many times do you do this in your own life? How much of what you do and don’t do is formed by thoughts and beliefs that were created years ago? How much do you allow these thoughts and beliefs to control you and the outcome your life?
For a time I was totally unaware I even had these thoughts and beliefs. I just accepted them as how things are for me. Now I know thats absolute bullshit. I know that they are merely in my head. I also see very clearly how it is these thoughts and beliefs that control and create my reality as yours do your reality. If I am in a situation believing that ‘I am not good enough to talk to these people’ and ‘they don’t like me’ then I am acting in away that is going to not make them want to be in my company and a way that is probably going to come across as stand offish, rude and uninterested. This is probably going to mean that these people won’t like me and why would they? They didn’t even met me. They met a fat little school girl who has no self love or confidence only they met this girl inside a grown woman body, a grown woman who goes on camera with full on confidence and strength. It’s easy to see how people might perceive my internal shyness, uncomfortableness and feeling unworthy as rudeness. Thus my thoughts and beliefs about myself have created my external reality and how I experience the world. I created plenty of situations that reaffirmed these thoughts and beliefs. I stayed in this cycle unaware for a long time.
Now I am wake, I am aware. Now I can do something about it. Now I realise what I thought I knew I don’t know anymore. I realise the world I saw is not the world I have to see. It all starts with working on ourselves. It all starts with realising that the relationship you have with yourself is the one that needs the most time, work and effort. It’s knowing that when that is right the rest will fall into place. It’s knowing that no one or nothing external could change whats inside. Maybe it could for a short period, temporarily but it can not change it for good. It’s lasting change that changes worlds, that changes your world. The only way that can be achieved is by looking inside. You want to see change? You want your life to be different? You have to work for it. I truly believe it’s the biggest and best investment you can and will ever make. It’s the best use of your time and the one that leads to happiness.
How do you do it? Get honest. If you are like I used to be and are constantly blaming other people, circumstances and ‘life’ for your current situation I sorry but it’s time to take responsibility for the part you have played in where you are now. There are so many ways. So many techniques. More than anything you need to make a commitment to yourself and your future. If it took you years to learn and ingrain all this stuff into your mind then it might take some time to undo it. There will be days where you think you have finally made it only for something to happen and you revert right make to your old ways BUT changes happen. It’s like anything the more committed you are, the harder you work the quicker you see results.
It’s not easy. It’s not easy to take responsibility for you life. It’s so much easier to blame an outside source. It’s not easy to get honest. I know how hard it can be to see everything you thought you know fall away. To see you wants and needs change. Sometimes it’s really hard to let go of something you have worked really hard for because you thought it was what you wanted. Now you know different but part of you wants to hang on. It can be lonely, tough and confusing. It is also beautiful. The sense of freedom from negative thought patterns changing is enlightening. This is a journey without end, a relationship with so much depth there is no bottom and it’s the only project that truly matter. This is you.
People can judge me openly on the internet but the funny thing is the comments I see usually echo judgements I have made of myself. I know that what other people think of me is simply none of my business but what I think of me is all my business. It’s only because I am capable of believing these things of myself that others judgements can hurt me. The more I love myself and accept myself the more it seems other people do. I keep pushing, growing and learning. I urge you to do the same.