I still haven’t found my music.
My weeks don’t look like people may expect. I have a part time job at a hotel. I do some very serious corporate presenting, sometimes i’m on 1xtra, maybe a quick video for holymoly and of course my youtube videos.
I have spent the last 6 months or so feeling a bit lost. I have always had a plan, i always knew the next step on my journey. Suddenly though thats changed and i’m not sure anymore. I have tried to do a few things i ‘thought’ i should be doing but the passion just isn’t there and i can see it when i watched my videos back. Without passion it all seems pointless. I have been so mad at myself and the thoughts i’m having ranged from ‘You’ve worked so hard to get to this point you HAVE to keep going at all costs’ to ‘This has too happen now or never’ to ‘If you fuck this up it’s never going to happen’ to ‘The only person fucking this up right now is you’. Strong, harsh thoughts and pressure put on me by me. Regardless of those thoughts i still couldn’t get my head round what i was meant to be doing next.
I’d look at what other people are doing and compare myself to them. Should i be doing that too? Why aren’t i already doing what they are? Am i not good enough? Then i suddenly realise that i have no idea what i want to be doing. Although i know i want my own chat show some day, what do i want now? Thats a question i just can answer. If i don’t know what i want how can i ever get it? All this just had me feeling frustrated and annoyed with myself.
Recently my now ex boyfriend, who makes music described to me just how much he loves it. He likens his passion and need for it to a serious addiction, he explains to me how being in the studio making music is like the best form of therapy and meditation for him all rolled into one. When he gets in the studio and starts making a track he is free, the rest of the world doesn’t exist. He is absorbed totally in every aspect. He has found his ‘music’. I haven’t found mine.
I read a status Ricky Gervais had put on Facebook which stated that he had not started comedy till he was 38. That made me think. He started it at 38 and now look what he has achieved. He found his ‘Music’ at 38. This gave me a new perspective. People find their ‘Music’ when they find it. There are no set rules or restrictions. It dawned on me that if i live my life trying to force and pressure myself to find my ‘Music’ then when it does come along i might just miss it.
Don’t feel bad if you haven found your ‘Music’ yet. It will come along when your ready for it. Thing is thats somethings you can’t know or predict so don’t waste now longing for it and feeling frustrated it’s not there. Open you eyes and enjoy what you have now and fully expect your ‘Music’ to arrive when it’s good and ready because i believe it will.
Love to all,