Love. It and my search for it is the only thing that can blindside me for whatever i am doing, planned to do and want to do. As i write this tears are running down my cheeks. When my mum died i lost more than a physical person i lost love. The warm, safe and secure love that a mother gives. I was a lonely lost little girl suffering. I wanted to be loved. I wanted love. I wanted to feel whole and complete.
From that i turned into a confused teenager. I started looking to boys for love. What i wish i had realised then at that point is that no boy or man could ever give me the love i needed only i had and have the power to do that.
I grew into a confused woman unable to figure out why the men i met only ever wanted the physical me and never the whole me. It made me dislike myself even more. Why was who i am so undesirable? What was wrong with me? Why was i the one it was ok to have sex with but never to be in a relationship with?
I knew i was not always the easiest person but who is? I knew i was in need of love, help and support. I looked and searched in all the wrong places but i was never strong enough to weigh up situation. Does this man have any of the attributes that suggest he’ll be what i want? Does this man genuinely like me? What is more important my career, my peace or this search for love? The search for love would always win. Always get me into situations i would later regret.
Sex became my source of intimacy. It seem the only way i could get close to another person. The only way i could not feel so alone. It became the only time i felt like some was really seeing me. The thing is the people i chose wanted exactly what i gave them and thats about it. When i needed love, affection or understanding i was rejected. So began a vicious cycle.
I have been so envious of my friends who have relationships. I have cried. I have looked at myself in the mirror and thought what is so wrong with me that no one wants me, i have spent hours agonising over what makes me unlovable and i have imagine a future where i am alone until i die. I have blamed myself and thought perhaps i deserve loneliness, i have blamed myself and thought i deserve to be used because perhaps all i have to offer thats good is my physical being. I have abused, used and judged myself more than any other person ever has.
Sex confused me. Sex and whether woman can or can not have casual sex and be emotionally cool about it confused me. Sex and whether as a woman it makes me a bad person to enjoy casual sex confused me. The fact i enjoyed sex but also wanted to be loved confused me. The fact i wanted to have sex and felt great about it until afterwards where i felt intensely alone confused me. It all confused me. Honestly i don’t care if you wish to judge me and honestly there are no rights or wrong with this just option and judgement.
I realise now that my own beliefs that i held about sex as a women shaped how i felt about myself with regards to sex and my sexual nature. I used to deny the beliefs i had but they were there under lying and i punished myself for my actions because they were not inline with those beliefs. I felt i was sexy but unlovable. I felt no one would love me so i’d take what i could get. Underneath all that was a belief that having sex made me a bad person. A slut, slag, loose, dirty, used and dare i say it again unlovable. I hated myself for a behaviour that gave me the only source of love and intimacy i could find.
I used sex to try and fill the gap (excuse the pun) that losing my mother had left. I used that intimacy and closeness to help me feel like i existed. I used sex so i could be close to another human and so i didn’t feel so intensely alone. I have amazing friends. However all i know is since my mums death there was something missing. Some level of bond, of closeness, of attentiveness (none of these words have the right amount of intensity for this feeling) that i just couldn’t find anywhere. The only thing that came close to answering that need was being with a man. The problem was the men i chose thought the physical and confident me they had 1st encountered was the whole me. These men wanted me physically but never more. When they discovered i was an emotional being they ran, disappeared, got distant and left me alone. Me what did i want? I just didn’t want to feel so alone. In a hope that this guy would be different and want more than physical me and because i enjoy sex i would have sex with these guys only to realise i had made the same mistake yet again. Then i’d feel even more alone. I’d feel even more needy and i’d feel like i was back to square one and i’d start the search for love again. The cycle continues. The pattern remained. It was never anyone else fault. I fully accept my role in this pattern.
The years that my sister was ill and dying were the craziest times. I was trying to be there for her. I was trying to not let her die. I was trying to hold on to her because i didn’t ever want to live without her. I was desperate. I loved her so much. I needed her not to leave. I couldn’t be without her. I could not face being alone. I never told her any of this. How could i? I did want to hurt her or make her feel worse. In fact i never told anyone how i felt. I wore a smile, refused to cry and cracked on. This was the time i was most intensely looking for love and support. This was a time i just wanted someone to hug me and not let go. This was the time i discovered the man i loved had a girlfriend and had just been using me. I grabbed onto anyone i could. If i didn’t i may have drowned. I may not be here. It’s easy to judge someones actions but thats because you have no idea what’s causing them. I always thought if this guy knows what a difficult time i’m having he won’t use me. He’ll see how much i’m hurting and respect that. He won’t take advantage of my vulnerability. It happened. On the reverse side i was asking a lot. I needed a lot and because i had become so good at hiding what i was thinking and feeling these guys thought they were getting one thing and it ended up being something very different. Perhaps something they would have said no to had they have known at the start what it was. It’s like I was a creme egg in a Snickers packet. They wanted a Snickers but when they took a bite i was more Creme Egg. It’s taken me along time for me to accept my responsibility in this. I have also had to realise there is nothing wrong with being a Creme Egg if thats what you are. Just stop pretending to be a Snickers because if you do you’ll keep getting Snickers eaters when you want a Creme Egg eater. You won’t get what you want and they won’t get want they want. It will never lead to a positive outcome.
Here is what i now know. This may change with time as i learn and grow but here it is. You can not become the person you are meant to be without going through all you go through. Good, bad, life, death, happiness, pain, love and it’s opposite fear. You will keep repeating the same behaviours until you learn from them and change them. To do that you have to become aware of the part you are playing in the cycle. You have to accept your responsibility and your actions which create the pattern you are stuck in. You have to stop looking outside and start looking inside. No person can ‘fix you’ ‘rescue you’ or ‘complete you’ only you can do that.
I have wanted to talk about this for so long but my fear of being judged was so intense that i avoided it. Being away i realised it wasn’t anyone else’s judgement i feared only my own. I love who i am becoming. I love the way i put myself first and i am truly glad for all my past experiences because without them i would not be here in this moment right now.
Love and light to you all,