Searching for love? Just pick one

“Just pick one, that’s all you have to do is just pick one and stick with it” those were the words uttered to me by my friend 3 years ago. He was telling me how simple it was to find a boyfriend, to have a lasting and meaningful relationship. His point was stop looking around and just choose someone to work with because it’s that simple. I thought he was crazy, a mad man for saying this. Of course it’s not that simple or that easy. Of course there is so much more to it that than. Of course if it were that easy I would have a boyfriend. Now I have a boyfriend I see that there was more than an element of truth to my friends statement that I had once viewed as insane. Only he had missed one vital piece of information from his ‘just pick one’ equation.

What was that thing? Self. Me. I. Me, myself and I if you like. You see 3 years ago I was lost. I had been lost for years. I disliked myself and my life. I was searching for love from external sources because I simply didn’t have enough of my own to give myself. This meant one very clear thing. My shit filter was off or being ignored. I wanted to be loved so badly that I allowed myself to believe lies when my instincts were sounding an alarm loud and clear. I wanted to be loved so much I put huge pressure on perspective partners so much so that they could only ever buckle under it. I searched relentlessly for years to find someone to rescue me, to heal me and to make me feel complete.

When I read that now I think how crazy that sounds. No one person could have ever lived up to that. No one person could have ever been expected to do what I wanted and needed them to do at that time. It was an insane concept and yet at the time I thought it was normal. I had created an impossible task and then I blamed other people when they could not complete it. It was their fault that they were not super human and could not save me.

If I’m honest I dated people I didn’t find attractive or have an real chemistry, I dated people who, like me where emotionally unstable and where in no position to be in a relationship, I dated people who I knew where lying to me and manipulating me. I did all of this for the relief found in the illusion of love, to feel the the emotions that offered me escapism from my reality and to give fuel to my dream of being rescued and saved by the man of my dreams (Fairytales have a lot to answer for).

In my search for myself I discovered a whole bunch of stuff. Love is what we are not what we need to receive and give out. Once I started to love myself I stopped needing anything from anyone else. My emotional gapping hole began to be filled with my love for myself and my new found appreciation for myself. I realised that it was me who was responsible for healing me, it was me who could indeed fulfil all the needs I had, all those things I had been so desperately trying to grasp from another I had them all, already waiting for me. The magic solution had been staring me in the face the whole time.

You are the whole jigsaw with no missing pieces. If you feel like pieces are missing and you try to make pieces from another jigsaw fit into yours the picture will end up a mess. If you search for your own missing pieces you will find them and thus you will be a complete and beautiful picture ready to hang next to another complete and beautiful picture. Sometimes in life a piece may come loose and fall out. You can ask another jigsaw for help finding you piece or refitting it but it must always be your piece that completes you.

Be whole, know yourself, love yourself and then keep your eyes open for someone. This is the place to start from. Then you can pick one. Why? Because you will instantly reject what is not for you and you will be open to and attracting those in a similar place to you. People who are also complete and loving themselves. Self love is a daily task. We all have ups and downs. I guess this is where the ‘just pick one’ comes in.

Relationships are not fairytales. How can they be? Often we have an idea of our dream partner in our head. We know how our dream relationship should run and so we project these unrealistic expectation on to another human beings. When they don’t reach these exception or fulfil these fantasies we feel let down. This is because we failed to see them for them, who they really are. We saw them through our ‘dream partner’ shaped glassed. Our expectations where unfair and unrealistic and now we feel let down, frustrated and hurt for which we punish them. Maybe we end the relationship. ‘Just pick’ one is about working on the relationship and ourselves within the relationship. Instead of punishing the other person it’s about looking at ourselves and seeing if and where we may have projected things onto that other person that were both unrealistic and unfair.

This is what I have learnt from experience. I am now blessed have an amazing man in my life. Both us make our growth both as individuals and as a partnership our main goal which hasn’t always been the case. It has taken adjustments on both our parts, it has taken each of us being very honest with the other and above everything it has taken neither one of us giving up or walking away when at times we have both felt like that would be the easiest option.

Love is what you feel. Someone else may inspire this feeling in you but it is yours. When I tell you I love you it means you inspire me to feel love inside myself. That love you feel comes from within you. It is something you create and can create with our without another. Love and create a relationship with yourself first and all else will follow.

Love and light,



1 Comment

  1. Avatar
    Emaar Kasbati
    September 21, 2017 / 6:35 pm

    i love how you have itemised feeling of love being the person’s own feeling and it could be inspired from within one’s ownself or other person … this divisional boundary gives insightful perspective

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