I’m not where I thought I would be by this age. I have literally felt like this at every stage of my life. I had no real measurable’s for my teen years and early 20’s. I was a mess. I was an emotional, lost young woman searching for something I had lost when my mother died years before. Love. I felt so wounded and in so much pain that I staggered around prioritising my search for love above everything. I had it and then I didn’t have it. It was like someone had taken a vital organ when my mum died. Like they had taken an arm or a leg. Like they had taken a future I thought I was promised and I spent years trying to get it back. The love back, the safety back, the security back. What I wanted was my family back. I would have taken a chance to grieve, to be held and supported through what was and still is the hardest thing I have ever experienced but I wasn’t given that option and so, like my brother and sister, we persevered in our own ways, alone.
It’s not hard to see how I grew up lost and desperate to be loved. With no real guidance I assumed that love would and could only come in a romantic form from men. I searched and very often didn’t find. At this point, I had done no healing. I was existing with a huge wound, a gaping, raw and somewhat rotting wound that needed attention, help, care and time to heal. I was looking for someone to do that for me. Obviously in this state I was never going to attract the right kind of person and I was in no state to be entering into a relationship expecting someone else to do my healing for me. It took me years to realise this. I often blamed the men I tried to enlist to make me better, but one of the biggest stages of my healing has been accepting it was never their wound to heal it was always mine.
I was so confused with this internal turmoil, which I can only describe as constant gale force winds, confusing and destroying. It was a force that pushed against me, never giving me a chance to see clearly. So much so that years of my life passed me by without me even realising. I didn’t make plans or state what I wanted because I knew, or should I say whole heartily believed, I would never have it. I was not good enough and I would always fail. That’s what my mind told me. So even my victories were not success to me, they were failures that I didn’t already have the end goal. Constant reminders that I wasn’t good enough to have what I really wanted. My mind was tricking me. Instead of steps closer to my goals acting as energy and power, as inspiration and excitement, they did the opposite. I would constantly compare my career, my lack of a relationship and what I deemed my lack of success to others. So much so that I allowed this constant self loathing to push me further and further away from what I truly wanted. I was in reach of it but because I didn’t yet have it, my mind told me I had failed and so I destroyed it. It was at this point I realised even if I achieved my dreams, I would find something or someone else to focus on that would allow me to believe I was failing. I came to the conclusion that even if I had what I thought I wanted I would not feel better. Perhaps I would have done momentarily but it wouldn’t take long for the insecurities and the limiting beliefs to creep back in to destroy any good feeling I had.
This was when I decided to travel. I needed to heal myself. I needed to know myself. I am still on that journey. We are all at different points of that journey whether we know it or not. Some of us I believe start at different points along this path but where we finish is entirely up to us. Something I have known almost since the very first spiritual book I read is that the key to regaining power within our own lives lie in two things;
1- Owning and taking responsibility for your own life and becoming aware of the thoughts that are in your mind shaping your world.
2-Realising that you can change them and shape them so they work with you, not against you.
This is where I find myself now. Realising that although I have known this for a long time and tried my best to implement it at different stages, it has taken me until now to wade through the shit to get to a point where I can finally see clarity. I know my life is my responsibility and now I feel I am finally taking control. That’s all I want for all of us. To have that knowledge that no matter what has happened to us and no matter what we have been through, there is a way to look at life and experience life that empowers us, that strengthens us and gives us the ability to go kick arse.
Love and light,