I’m a dating disaster
It’s true. I have been single for more of my adult life than i care to remember and as much as i love love i haven’t found much of it in the form of relationships thus far.
No one ever asks me out. Like no one EVER asks me out on a date. Even when i’m on a night out the only guys that ever talk to me are the super, super drunk ones and that’s never going to workout. It’s been so long since someone asked me out on a date i can’t even remember when it was. For the record by a date i mean some actually admitting they fancy me and asking if i’d like to go for dinner or a drink. This hasn’t happened for years.
I was not a cool kid at school. I didn’t have many friends and i sure as hell didn’t have a boyfriend. In fact i was the butt of all the boys jokes. Admittedly i looked like the honey monster. It’s during this time that something happen that i suspect has hampered my dating experience. I became unable to be myself around men i find attractive. Because (in those early days) i was constantly having the piss taken out of me i felt i had to show no mercy and give as good as i got. It sounds silly but if a guy i fancy comes near me i turn into a DICK. I can’t look at them, it’s like if my eyes met theirs they instantly start to burn, i can’t find any words, i feel really hot and i start to sweat (perfect). It’s so hard for me i actively avoid men i fancy. If i get close enough i try to hide my uncomfortableness with banter. The type of banter where i pick holes in them and end up being a bit cruel and a bit of a bitch. I say stupid stuff that i would literally never say to anyone else ever because my whole body is tense, i literally can’t think and thus rubbish falls out my mouth.
In the past even if i have managed to get through the 1st few dates i just can’t shake it off being weird and become myself, i end up getting frustrated with myself which ruins things. I am really trying hard to combat and change this.
I have realised that i judge men on their looks and if i find them attractive my assumption is that they’ll never fancy me so there is no point talking to them anyway. I have decided to face my fears. Ok it may mean i talk to a few guys i find fit and sound like a complete bell end. It might mean i feel like i want the ground to swallow me up a few times and that i get blown off a few times but once i start practising, i’m sure like everything i can become a pro. Right?
I wish you all a very happy Valentines Day. I’ll be going for an extravagant afternoon tea with my amazing bestie Louise and then i’m off to watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ with my mate Sarah. I intend to tell you all about it. Being single doesn’t mean you have to let Valentines pass without celebrating the love you do have in your life.
One thing the last years as taught me is the importance of loving yourself. In fact i think self love, self confidence and self respect are the 3 most important things we need to create a happy and successful life. For the 1st time in my life i can say with easy that i love myself and i’m proud of myself. I’m sure one day i will find a man who thinks the same.
Whatever your fears are perhaps it’s time you face them? I mean whats the worse that could happen? You feel silly and lets face it thats easy to recover from. You get one chance at this life time my beauties so don’t let it pass by with out living it to the full.
Love to you all,