Failure. Success. What do they really mean?
Am I a failure? That’s a question I have asked myself often. Not only a question but ‘I am a failure’ is a thought and a belief that has lived with me most my life.
I messed up my GCSE’s, didn’t finish college, I didn’t go to university and I had, still have no idea what I’m meant to do or where I fit in the world of ‘career’ ‘family’ and all these things we are meant to think about and achieve. There are days I feel like I have failed in every sense of the word. In everything I am meant to be, do and have.
Career – I started the presenting stuff 6 years ago. I had dreams of TV shows, my own radio show and being hugely successful. I thought the fact I was a bit weird gave me something different. Although I skirted around the edges of success I never truly landed it. I tried and tried and tried. Nothing ever gave. I watched other people surpass me. I kept trying different routes and paths but nothing. No one wanted me. I was left feeling like something is wrong with me. I am not good enough to succeed. I will never succeed. I am a failure.
Love/family – By now I thought I’d be married with kids or kids on the way. I thought my life would be together, whole and complete. I imagined me in a nice house, with beautiful kids and a loving, faithful and driven husband to share my life with. In reality I have none of the above. Not through lack of trying mind you. I just meet and pick the wrong people. When I say that people’s usual response is ‘so you like bad boys?’. No I seem to like emotionally unavailable men who at the first sign of me being an emotional being with feelings run a mile leaving me feeling like there is something wrong me, like I have failed and like I am unloveable.
If I’m honest with you I have always felt like a failure. I have always felt I wasn’t good enough and I have always felt unlovable. I think these thoughts, beliefs and thus feelings have been with me from a very young age. I was never good at much and I was never particularly popular. It’s amazing how our experiences as children shape our whole lives. A lot of people go through life blind to this fact. We have these thoughts and allowing them to become ingrained beliefs that we see as part of us. Not me. Not anymore. I refuse. I want to be free and happy. I know that to do that I have to change my thoughts and my beliefs about myself. Our outside world is merely a reflection of our internal world. Many people spend life times fighting and struggling to change what’s outside. They fail to realise that if they turned all that energy inward and made internal changes then their outside world would automatically change.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers. What I do know is that I feel a desire to share what I learn. There are lots of unhappy people in the world. It seems in the west unhappiness is both something we deny but search tirelessly for. Happiness becomes a shining star we one day wish to reach. It becomes something we strive and struggle for. It becomes harder and harder to reach. We assign the responsibility of happiness to things, stuff and other people all of which are outside of us. All of which are external. I challenge this. I challenge this because I know change and happiness won’t come with a pair of shoes, a new car or even the love of your life they come with internal change and balance. They come with self love and positivity.
Society taught you what it was to succeed or fail. Society taught you that you need things to be happy. Society told you told always strive for more and more. Society taught you happiness comes from doing, getting, having and achieving. Just because society taught you this doesn’t mean it’s right. Question everything and find you. That where happiness lies. Shed the labels, the beliefs and the thoughts. Unlearn it all even if it takes a lifetime because that is freedom, that is peace and that is happiness.
As i sit here in Rio, Brazil and write this the feeling of failure creeps back in. How dare i quit and travel. What will i go back to? What career will i have? What home will i have? What relationships will i have? Aren’t i being reckless and stupid? NO!! I know these thoughts will come they always do. Whether i chose to believe them or not is up to me. I chose not too. I had an over whelming urge to take this trip. I decided to let instinct chose for me and this was the choice. So what i may not have big house, a fancy car or any of the things society dictates i should have. I will have freedom, time to experience the world, time to learn and grow myself, time to enjoy my life and i will have a collection of experiences that to me are priceless.
Love and light,