I weigh 11.5 stone

I weight 11.5 stone. Yes I said it. That’s my weight and I’m proud of it. Every pound of muscle and fat. Every lump and every bump. Every scar, every mole and every roll.

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In my life I have weighed between 10 stone and 13.5 stone and always felt ashamed of it and of saying it out loud. I have been a clothes size 8 to 16. I have yo yo’d. I have trained and then not trained. I have tried various diets and suffered with eating disorders all in the name of obtaining the perfect body. Guess what? I have the perfect body. My body. It has allowed me to run a 1/2 marathon, be a bridesmaid at my sisters wedding, swim in various different seas, party all night in Vegas, watch sunsets in Ibiza and it allows me to live, breath and pursue my dreams every single day. My body never lets me down.

I have let my body down. I have been ashamed of it. Been disgusted with it. Hated it. I have treated in badly. Not fuelled it correctly, drank too much alcohol, done things I know have hurt it. I have constantly wished it was another body and not the one it is. I have told my body time and time again it’s not good enough. Despite all that abuse my body keeps going. It supports my dreams, my goals and allows me to shape it however I want.

I have taken my body for granted for way too long. ‘Fit State Of Mind’ isn’t a fad get fit scheme for me. It’s a change of lifestyle, of perception and of mind. As this unfolds i find myself realising and admitting things I never have before. I’m addicted to food and have been since i started comfort eating when i was 9 years old and my mum was ill. I ate even more when she died. I have just never stopped using food as a crutch, a comfort, a friend.

My misusing food has lead to me abusing my body over the years but now the more i learn about myself, my body and how it works the more respect i have for it and the benefits of good nutrition and exercise. I am finally facing up to the emotions and reason that caused me to turn to food in the first place. I am finally owning all of it and realising that i can’t make excuses anymore because ultimately only i can put that food in my mouth. Only i can buy food and binge. No one makes me. It’s my choice and I want to make better choices because whilst i’m here on this earth i want to be fit and healthy. Living life and enjoy it as much as i can.

This process isn’t about me being skinny or having a ascetically perfect body because what even is that? I don’t want to spend my life feeling my body is inferior because it’s not it’s bloody amazing and so is yours. No matter how horrible you are to that body it keeps going, keeps breathing, keeps pumping. Give it a break, give it some thanks and mostly please give it some love, goodness know it deserves it. If like me you are facing your demons because you want them to ‘do one’ like me you might need to realise how wonderful what you have already is. Then you and your body work as a team to get better.

Although Fit State Of Mind manifests as a physical exercise process for me it is so much more than that. I’m learning about myself, i’m letting go of sadness and unhappiness, i’m tackling things that i have avoided for years because they make me unhappy and i want to be happy. The more i get rid of this emotion baggage the lighter i feel, the freer i feel and the more able i feel to fully partake in life and its beauty NOW. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month or next year but the beauty of this moment, this second, now.

Please feel free to leave comments and i will always do my best to respond.

Love and peace,

Claira
xxxxxxx

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3 Comments

  1. Chris Finch
    April 15, 2015 / 7:59 pm

    Brilliant read Claira. Ur a very inspirational person. Keep it going

  2. Harpreet
    April 15, 2015 / 11:06 pm

    Hi Ciara,
    I just wanted to say I randomly came a your entry “I weigh 11.5” and I was soo moved. I felt a tinge of guilt..I feel I’ve done the same..I’ve hurt my body and poked and prodded at it for it’s all its lumpy, bumpy imperfections for years and years. Despite the way I’ve hurt it, it takes such good care of me. Thank you for making me think about this. You look incredible by the way! It’s not the weight it’s how you feel 🙂 my warmest wishes for you.

  3. Harpreet
    April 15, 2015 / 11:13 pm

    Sorry I mis spelt your name! Claira

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