Today I realised just how hard i am on myself. I say things to myself I would never say to a stranger, let alone someone I loved. I forgive strangers for things I punish myself for for years.
People have often said to me that I’m hard on myself and I didn’t fully understand what they meant until about 10 minutes ago. I was walking to the shop to get some water and in my head i was telling myself how shit i am for having done nothing so far today. That I above everyone should know how precious time is and I’m wasting it. I stopped myself and thought hold on, you’re ill, you’re allowed to take it easy. Not only that but you have spent your morning up a step ladder reorganising your belongings and storage which isn’t doing nothing.
Over the last few years I have been gradually been becoming more aware of my thoughts. I have been observing them more and more. This is how i know i am not my thoughts. I’m sure you’ve found yourself thinking something and suddenly your aware of yourself thinking and you wonder why am I thinking that? Where did that come from? You become aware of the thought, you can watch it, listen to it and therefore you are not it. You are you and the thought is the thought.
This has been a huge problem for me. Some of these thoughts, which if left unchecked, become beliefs, I have had since I was a kid. They become ingrained and we just believe them because we have always thought them, they have become part of our identity. If you were brave enough to list the 10 most negative beliefs you have and believe about yourself and then you asked other people if they had those believes too, 9 out of 10 would say yes. YOU ARE NOT ALONE
Here are mine;
I am not good enough
No one will ever love me
I am too big
I will always be alone
I will never be happy
I will never succeed
I am a 2nd rate person
No one likes me
People Think I’m weird
I am ugly
I don’t think these things non stop but they are part of my internal belief system and until i started looking i wasn’t even aware i had them. Isn’t that crazy? Because they had been there so long i never question them or asked if these beliefs i held as gospel were even true. What is true is that they affect how i act, feel and come across to other people.
A few years ago someone pulled me aside and said that they just wanted to let me know several people who had met me had found me to rude and cold. They had assumed this was to do with me being arrogant. The funny thing is it was the complete opposite. I was so busy believing i wasn’t good enough and that these people wouldn’t never like me because I’m weird that I just recoiled and couldn’t speak. That has happened a lot in my life. When this person told me what people had been saying i cried, i cried for 3 days and refused to get out of my bed. I wanted to quit, i wanted to give up, i wanted to disappear. Good job I’m stubborn because after 3 days I got up and off i went.
I don’t know why I have never given up. When I ask myself that now I know it’s because success and happiness are possible for each and everyone of us including me and i’m determined to find mine. I have read stories of people who’s lives have been such a huge struggle, lives full of things i can’t even imagine surviving and still years later they have found peace and happiness. Thats what life is for me. It’s a constant learning curb, it’s a place to grow and grow and grow. It’s a place where the more light you shine on your shit, your negative, your nasty the more it’s replaced by love, laughter, peace and joy.
If like me you are aware of these beliefs/thoughts and you’ve had enough of thinking and feeling the way you do i truly urge you to get a booked called ‘Loving what is’ by Byron Katie. Not only is it great but it gives you a powerful tool to change things and thats what we need. Not just to hear how it can be done but we need to be told how to do it. There are so many ways and if one doesn’t work don’t worry, move on and try the next. You’ll get there.
It has taken me 3 years to get this far. There has been pain, tears, sadness, upset and a lot of letting go. I’m so much happier and i’m truly so happy i have never given up on myself. I have read book after book and tried technique after technique, each one giving me something a little different. I love my life now, even the bad bits because they lead to good bits, thus even the bad is good.
Get really honest with yourself. What do you want? Stop making excuses, accept responsibility for yourself and go get it. There truly is nothing stopping you but you.
Love and Peace,
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