How it feels to be a loner

It turns out traveling on your own is such a learning and growth experience because funnily enough you are on your own. When you think about and imagine things they’re never accurate. Things are very rarely as you imagined them. I tend not to imagine too much and to try live with now. It works but it also makes me terribly bad at planning and being decisive. Hence why ‘My life your hands’ was born. I don’t have to make too many decisions because i get you to do it for me. Perfect.

 

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The last 7 days have been an emotional roller coaster. My 1st month in St Vincent i was staying with one of my best friends and although i visited other Islands etc i never felt far from her home which felt like my home. I also took for granted that because St Vincent is so small you tend to always no someone who knows someone. I love that. I just feel safe. If i’m really honest i feel like that’s where my heart is. When i get there i feel peaceful and just so happy. This trip however is about me seeing more of the world. Pushing myself to do things that scare me and to really discovering and learning more about me. Why? Because if we are not here to learn more about us and our capabilities what are we here for?
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After going a few days without speaking to people i started to feel emotional and depressed. I started to think i was never going to talk to anyone again. That i’d spend the next 7 months in solitude. I felt lost. I felt scared. I felt like i no longer had the balls to do this. However i knew i had to do this. I decided to force myself to do one of the things suggested by you guys. Go to St James and eat roti. I was hungry and how hard could that really be? As i sat waiting for my taxi i felt sick with nervous. Why? I didn’t want to feel self conscious, i didn’t want to feel embarrassed and i didn’t want to feel stupid. Crazy, irrational but i was genuinely feeling all of this.
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As we got closer to St James the cab driver asked me where i would like to be dropped and could he recommend anywhere. He then reminded me (i’d been told by a cab driver the day before) that it was kids carnival. It was exactly what i needed. Fun, loud, vibrant and i could just walk around, listen to soca, watch the parade and have a few beers. I also ate roti as requested. It just made me feel so much better. I was so proud of myself for pushing through the anxiousness and getting out and about.
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When i got back to the hotel i had a message from friend who was in town and ended up heading out with a couple of people i know from St Vincent. All unexpected and all last minute. I also got a message on Instagram from an amazing girl from London who invited me to hangout with her and her friends in Trinidad. I didn’t get time but i hope she knows how happy it made me that she reached out like that.
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My lesson here is one i have encountered before. ‘This too will pass’. Nothing is permanent, it’s only every temporary. Day like this will come and they will go. It was a stark reminder that round the corner can be greatness but you have to go round the corner to find the greatness. I have learnt that my imagination has the power to scare me and make me fearful. I must learn to control it so it doesn’t run away with it’s self and drive me crazy in the process.
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Onwards to the next adventure….. Rio. All suggestions welcome.
Love and light,
Claira xxx
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