Recently someone very close to me attempted to take there life.
As someone who has suffered with depression, eating disorders and self loathing, as someone who has helplessly watched her mother and sister die. I know what it is to fantasies about not existing anymore, to imagine freedom from what I think and how feel. What I have come to realise is that that freedom doesn’t need to come in another life or in the ending of this one. You can find it here. In this existence right now. It’s a choice. It’s a choice you make as an individual. It’s a way of life. It’s the biggest and best investment you can and will ever make. Forget everything you were taught about life and it’s purpose because lets face it following those rules doesn’t work. I don’t have all the answers, nor do I claim to but what I know is that life is a blessing. It’s a blessing that we can use in which ever way we want. That we can make or break. I used to think my happiness and the outcomes of my life were dependant on external circumstances. On other people, on opportunities and on what I managed to get, have and achieve. By living like this I had no power. I had no chance to make things better. I was a victim. I always had someone to blame for my lack of happiness. It meant my life was a spiral of pain and upset. One of sadness and failure. A life in which I felt very, very sorry for myself. I could see no way for it to change. I was helpless. I was hopelessly hoping for a miracle.
That miracle came in the form of a US music Artists manager. I interviewed the artist and met his manager. We discussed a lot. Shortly after the death of my sister and after we had been partying all night he and I sat in a hotel lobby. In the space of about 30 minutes he challenged every excuse I had as to why my life was the way it was. He tore down all of my so carefully constructed narrative to my even more carefully crafted story. His challenging me made me cry, it made me so intensely angry, it made me hurt so much I wanted to disappear. However what he did in that 30 minutes changed me and my life forever. Not in a lighting bolt flash. Not in a way I was healed and life was suddenly amazing but in a way I saw his point. I realised my misery was my making. I had done this. No one else. I realised I had the power to change it. I had the power to stop playing the victim. I had the power to change my thoughts and thus my feelings. That was 4 years ago and I am still a work in progress. Which i feel is exactly what I’m meant to be. I don’t give up, slowly but surely I get better and better. Slowly but surely I get happier and happier. Slowly but surely I get closer and closer to me.
I read books. I read books. I read books. I watch videos and when I can I go and watch people that inspire me talk. I read what the books say and adopt the suggested exercises. Some work and some don’t. I try them all. Some I do for a matter of days, some for weeks and some I do intermittently.
I talk. I talk to other people. No longer do I talk to reinforce my old stories of ‘poor me’ but I talk about spiritual development and where I’m falling down. I find the more people I talk to and share with that the more people I have to talk and share with. The more suggestions i get of books to read, of videos to watch and of exercises to try.
I got help. I went to see various types of therapists from Chakra cleansing to traditional psychotherapy. I went with an open heart and no stigma or fear. I want happiness, I want peace and I’m now at a point where I’ll do whatever it takes.
I gave up. This is the biggest one. I just gave up. I have up fighting myself. That’s what I was doing. I was making it all so complicated and tough. All so tragic and horrid. I was resistant to everything that challenged who ‘I’ was. I realised I was my biggest obstacle. I was standing in my way. All that time with excuses and other people to blame when really it was me. Just me.
I followed my heart. That’s really all the guidance we need. My heart said travel and for a long time my head said ‘NO’. I had been ruled by my head for so long because that’s what we are taught is the ‘right’ thing to do. Following your heart makes you happy. Following your head makes you feel secure. Security is something that is taught to us. It’s no more real than tinker bell.
If you have read this and thought to yourself ‘that’s all very well and good but she doesn’t know what I have been through’ or ‘She can’t have had real depression like me because there is no way out of this’ or ‘She doesn’t know how much pain I feel so how can she say this?’ or anything like this then let me tell you I was exactly the same. It’s because what I have written challenges your comfort zone. Your ‘happy’ miserable place, your story, your excuse set. It challenges who you believe yourself to be. If I do that then I am so so glad because if someone had not challenged mine I may still be curled up in a ball crying myself to sleep wishing for my mum back. I may still be making myself sick 3 times a day. I may not even be here writing this.
If you are here reading this it’s for a reason. You know somewhere within yourself that something else exists. Another way. A happier, easier and more enlighten existence. I used to wish someone could give me the key to open the door to this place. What I am coming to realise that the joy, lessons and beauty is in the journey.
Love and lightening,