I suffer from depression and i have since i was child. I have suffered with bulimia. I have suffered with purging and vomiting. I have had suicidal thoughts. I have often thought i would be happier if i could be with my mum and sister. I have done all of this whilst managing to project a image to the world of strength, determination and happiness. It often makes me wonder how many other people i encounter are feeling similar things.
One thing i have learnt is that when we feel these things, think these things we are never alone. We are not the first to have these thoughts, nor will we be the last. Yet we have created a society where rather than discuss these feelings and thoughts we are taught to hide them. Keep them away from each other. We are taught they are not normal. People will judge us. We will feel even worse. Say nothing. Isn’t this true definition of insanity? Isn’t it time we start to discuss mental illness? Thats what they call it. The funny thing is it seem it’s almost normal for most of us at some point to suffer or experience some kind of mental illness. It doesn’t matter how mild or serious it is. The fact of the matter is most of us are going through, have been through or will go through something like this and yet we are taught to be scared to talk about it.
In my experience i always thought if people knew it would get worse some how. I would be punished, ridiculed and made to feel worse. I just didn’t tell anyone and then i was trying to deal with it on my own. This made me feel more isolated, more alone and even further away from ever being happy. There are times i have interviewed people and been just on the edge, just on the edge of bursting into hysterical tears. Where if one person said the wrong thing tears would roll down my face and i would have lost it, i was barely in control. I should have cried, i should have let go, i should have been honest. We are all human. Someone would have seen my pain, recognised it and tried to help. How do i know? At later points in my life I have done it. I have had meetings with work colleagues and cried my eyes out. They are human too.
Recently i have been having a tough time. The grey clouds moved back in and no matter where i went they followed raining over my head, dampening my dreams and making me feel like a big soggy mess. The thoughts come back. I cry for my mum to come back and i cry for my sister to come back. I cry because i feel alone, isolated and i cry because i feel like a huge failure. No boyfriend, no children, no steady job and i can’t see where my future lies. The things i thought i knew i don’t know anymore.
I knew i wanted to be a presenter on radio, on TV doing anything they’d let me. I tried, i pushed and some doors opened a little, enough for me to stick my head around them. Then they get slammed shut again. I kept pushing but it’s hard work to keeping pushing whilst working hard to even be in a position to push. Then i had an operation. It changed my life. It changed it in the ways you’d expected but it changed in ways i didn’t even expect. Suddenly i started questioning everything. Who am i? What do i want? What should i be doing with my life? Do i want to keep pushing on a half open door? Am i happy? What makes me happy? What do i need to do to be happy? That operation was the eye opening realisation of something i have always known but never fully grasped. I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND AT PEACE more than i want anything else. I don’t want to be on a roller coaster of happy, ok and then BANG depressed, miserable and alone.
This time the depression comes from not knowing. From everything i thought i knew falling away and me thinking ‘FUUUUUUCK’. I have let depression do it’s thing, run it’s course. Every time i know i’ll come out the other side. I believe it’s here for a reason. I believe it’s here to let me know i’m not living in alignment with who and what i am. I also have to be really honest and say i know how to help myself. I am often my own worse enemy. I know meditation, diet, exercise and making plans all help me to stay on track and stay floating. Instead I don’t meditate, i eat shit food (yes you can get shit vegan food), i hide away and don’t talk to my friends, i cancel meetings and i stop training.
Depression for me is a roller coaster of ups and downs. I realise that if i stuck to meditating, exercising and eating right i would be on a level road that has some bumps in it. So why can’t i do it? Why am i my own worst enemy? I could make excuses but if i’m really honest i think theres a part of me that has got really comfortable with the pain and misery. I have had it since i was a child. It’s like a friend, a shit friend but a friend none the less. Now i’m ready to say good bye to it. I am ready to stop trying to be ‘successful’, i’m ready to stop kicking down half open doors, i’m ready to stop looking for someone to rescue me and i am ready to turn everything i have inward and shed all the crap and baggage once and for all.
Why am i sharing this? Because it’s part of who i am and i tired of pretending that it’s not. I’m done with not being honest. I hope that me saying this out loud will inspire other people to ask for and go get help. I hope it will make you realise there is nothing wrong with you, you just need some help, as we all do for various reasons throughout our lives.
I have decided that i will go and see professional help. There is nothing wrong with that and i’m not afraid to scream it from the roof tops. Never be ashamed of asking for help. I also know there is a bunch of stuff i can do myself. Thats where you come in.
I can only do this if i stick to the things i know keep me afloat and imagine if i do what the results could be. I don’t want to do this alone i want to do it as a team. With you and whoever else wants to join me. Thats why today (November 2nd) I started #30DaysTCI 30 days to change it. I believe if we stick to something religiously for 30 days we will start to see and feel changes. By doing this online we can create a support system that makes it much harder for us to fail.
All you have to do is create a list of 1 to 10 things you intend to do everyday for the next 30 days and do them everyday without fail. Do not over face yourself with things you know are not possible. The idea is to succeed and feel great about yourself and your capabilities. For example;
30 minutes of exercise
A healthy breakfast
Read a chapter of a book
Write a journal
Smile at someone
Tell someone you love them
Drink 2 litres of water
Eat a sugar free diet
Email someone that could potentially help you with a idea
Research what it would take to make you dreams reality
Go on a date
Try something new
Talk to someone you don’t know – over coming shyness
Tweet/Insta what you plan to do for 30days straight using the hashtag #30DaysTCI
I really hope you’ll be with me on this journey.
Love and strength,