Boobopic

What a journey, I’m not sure it really is a journey but for want of a better word, that’s what this boobopic is turning out to be.

I’ve questioned myself, my future, my body and of course other people so far. My plan was always to not think about it and when the day arises it’s too late to panic. I just go to sleep wake up and it’s done.

The thing is with this journey is that I seem to spending a lot of time thinking about and talking about my boobs and what’s going to happen to them. I go from peace, to anger, to frustration, to gratitude all the way to crying like a baby because I want my mum.

Like with most things in my life I have gone with the philosophy of live now and try to worry or be sad never. It doesn’t always work, it can’t always work I’m human but for the most part just living is a pretty good way to do things.

As with most journeys from A to B the are always unexpected twists and turns along the way. You always see things and experience things you weren’t expecting when you started. In my case I have realised just how much I miss my mother. Which is crazy because she’s been gone since I was 9 and if I’m honest I’m not really sure who my mother was. She was a teacher. She was shy. She liked animals, cooking and her children. That’s really all I know. Who was she as a person? I can’t be sure. What I do know is this person I don’t know is someone I miss hugely, more than i can put into words. The more I consider this prospect the more I realise it’s the presence I miss. The presence of love that gives you both security and confidence as you grow. It’s a presence that makes you feel not alone when you are alone. Life without that presence is pretty much all I know. I don’t want consider how different life could be or would if my mum hadn’t died because she did and this is who I am. What I am realising is why sharing this journey is so important. That reason is that the part of me who still remembers very vividly how that little girl felt when her mum died never wants anyone other children to experience the same pain. Which is obviously impossible but if me doing this makes a difference for one child then it’s worth it.

It’s funny that the destination of this journey is something that i feel fully prepared for. The operation, i’m ready. The recovery, i can do that. The fact that I’m doing it to prevent the very thing that took my mum and sister is whats causing me problems. I guess i thought I’d dealt with it and i was ok with it all. This journey’s just making the fact they’re missing from my life so very obvious. I’m doing this to avoid their fate, I’m doing it because i know they would if they had the choice, I’m doing it so i never leave the kids i intend to have in the same way my mum left and so i can be a sister and daughter to my Brother and to my Dad. But fuck me does it hurt that they aren’t here and boy is the hole they’ve left very huge.

On a positive note I know everything happens for a reason and that from this journey there are so many things for me to learn. Most importantly right now i feel i must learn to love myself for who i am and who i can and must become. So thats my project, I’m my project. I don’t think the importance of loving ones self should ever be over estimated. I think it’s something we all do a little more of. I’m going to try and explore and find way to increase myself love and feel content with my life as it is now, which i believe is exactly as it was intended to be.

No one said life would be easy. It will however be worth every tear and every hardship especially when they are outweighed by love and contentment.

Love and light my lovelies,

Claira xxx

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