Her death changed my life

Today is my sisters Birthday. We should be celebrating, laughing, enjoying the day but unfortunately she’s not here. Not because she’s travelling or somewhere else having fun but because she died almost 3 years ago of breast cancer.

I miss my sister everyday but today i miss her more than ever. I woke up to a message from my friend wishing my sister a happy birthday and checking everything was ok with me. Everything is fine with me apart from the heart ache of missing someone you love and someone who is a huge part of your life. Crying before 8am on a Thursday morning isn’t something i would usually do, however today it was all i could do.

My sister Emily Jane was indeed my best friend. Not when we were growing up but as we got older we became so close. She was my sanctuary. When things got too much or i needed to feel safe and secure she gave me that. She supported me, loved me and most importantly she made me laugh out loud a lot.

Watching my best friend, my sister, the constant in my life die of breast cancer was like torture. I couldn’t stop what it was doing to her body and i couldn’t take away the pain. For her i can only imagine how truly terrifying and horrid it must have been. Somehow we managed to laugh and joke our way through most of it.

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Let me tell you this though. When she died i knew my life had to change. I KNEW it had to. When i say my life what i mean is i had to change. I had to make my sister dying the best thing that ever happened to my life, by this i mean as much as it hurt i couldn’t let it be in vain, i had to change something, i had to change everything. I’m the one still alive so i have to make the most of this life. It had to be the tipping point. It had to be the start. It had to lead to another way to live and exist.

My mum passed away when i was 9 years old and i have spent my entire life missing her. So much so that the pain of losing her was daily affecting my adult life. It was almost like it had only just happened over and over again. Not everyday but very regularly. It’s like being on a emotional roller coaster for years with no end in sight. Exhausting as it was it was what i knew and in a weird way felt comfortable in. I felt sorry for myself. I was lost in my own pity party wanting to be rescued because i hadn’t realised the only person who could rescue me was in fact me. When my sister died i realised this was not a way of existence i wanted to live anymore, this was not who i wanted to be. Things had to change. Only i could change them.

So that was almost 2 years and 11 months ago and trust me when you make a commitment to change it doesn’t happen over night, it’s gradual, repetitive and continuous. However when i look back now i realise how much all of the struggles, the books read, the lessons learnt, listening to others was all worth it. Who i am today and who i was the day my sister died are 2 very different people. I hope my sister and mum would be proud of me. What i know for certain is i’m proud of me. I spent so long waiting for other people to love me, help me, care about me and rescue me that i missed one vital fact. I am the only one who can do all of those things. Once you do them for yourself other people will join in.

If your are not truly happy with yourself or your life, make some changes, make a commitment to yourself to be kinder, to love and to make yourself happy because we all have a right to happiness, it’s possible for us all. I have learnt how short life can be and how quickly it can be taken from you. YOU GET ONE SHOT AT THIS SO MAKE IT BLOODY BRILLIANT.

Love to all

Claira xxx

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3 Comments

  1. Sheila Brown (was Moore)
    December 4, 2014 / 7:21 pm

    Hi Claira,
    You write beautifully I know your lovely mum would be very proud of you and Emily. You are beautiful too.
    It’s lovely to see a photo of Tom he was like my third son for a few years, please remember me to him.
    Keep writing Claira you have real talent . Sheila x

  2. Toni Jolin (was saxton)
    December 15, 2014 / 7:34 pm

    Hi Claira.

    Not sure remember me, Colin’s daughter, deans sister.

    I just wanted to say that your writting is inspirational. I am currently reading a lot of Buddhism books and trying to make the changes you are. I’m am just lucky that my issues have not been as tough and heartbreaking at yours.

    Congratulations on doing what your doing and standing up and being brave, strong and inspirational for yourself and others.

    Take care and I wish u well. Give my love to ur dad and brother.

    Toni xxx

  3. Jo
    August 26, 2015 / 4:49 pm

    Hi Claira, I’m reading through your posts (I’ve just discovered your blog). Your writing is great. Your mum and sister are very proud of you. Good luck on your journey. Take care xx

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