I’m sitting here trying to figure out at what point I gave up. Because I did give up. I gave up on my dreams. It was like suddenly they stopped being possible in some unwritten, unspoken language I seem to understand that it was over, my hopes and dreams slashed and me left there, feeling like I was standing in a barron open space, no matter where I looked or what direction I turned all I saw was nothing.
My heart broke. I broke. Who am I? What is my purpose? Why can’t I have my dream?
It’s strange because it wasn’t that I consciously stopped wanting it. I didn’t. It was just like instead I told myself it was 100% never going to happen and I believed me. I acted accordingly. As I write this I can feel what I felt then. A sense of utter hopelessness, of feeling incomplete, broken, failed, useless and let’s be honest from that space, feeling like this I was moving myself further and further away from the dream that had once been in my grasp.
When there is only one thing that you really want to do and be then you have to find a way to make it happen. I realise now that even as I write this, even now being in this much improved place there is still a part of me that is resisting the possibility that me having what I want is attainable for me. This is self sabotaging, this is not self love and this is not going to help me get where I am going.
What’s great is that I can recognise it. I can clearly see how about 5 years ago I adopted a believe. Not a thought or a feeling. I adopted something as a belief which means that I accepted it as a fact, which means I locked myself in a mental prison of my own making where the walls simply can not come down because I have constructed them so bloody good that I don’t even realise they’re there. I just live my life within the confines of them. I believe the lie I have told myself so much that I don’t even get close to walls to try and push them to see if there is a way through. I have become to compliant that I am keeping myself trapped.
Well fuck me. That’s not what I expect to be writing about. I didn’t expect to make such a discovery whilst trying to write something for my blog but that’s how it goes right? We get to investigate and discover what’s really holding us back because in most circumstances it is only ever us and if we want to make change, no matter how big or small we first have to take responsibility for where we are indeed standing in our own way.
When I look back I realise that there were outside, external events happening, things being said which I decided to translate, absorb and create conclusions from. I then acted accordingly. I did this. No one made me. My point is and now I see that even if someone I respected came up to me tomorrow and said ‘you suck at this and you should never do it again’ then I have a choice. I can listen to this person who I really know nothing about, who could be saying these words for a million reasons and I can take their word as final and golden. I can allow it to shape the outcome of my life. I can accept what they say as a fact, stone hard, cold fact or I can reject what they say because I know this is what I am meant to do. What I’m made to do. If it wasn’t why would I feel this was about it? Why would I despite believing it’s never going to happen still be trying to make it happen? Why would it be on my mind all the time? It was given to me for a reason and here I am making it 1000 times harder for myself. What a wally.
In conclusion, at 36 I’m learning that my mind is the garden where all my physical manifestations are first planted as seeds, it’s where they grow, bloom and flourish before finally appearing externally. My mindset has been zapping the soil of my mind, stealing its nutrients, over watering it, scorching my idea’s the minute they sprout through the surface and I wonder why life is moving slow! I have been my own worst enemy.
My commitment to myself for this lifetime is to learn how to become a much better gardener to my mind and to show and teach other people how to do the same. It’s exciting to know how much control and power we really have. The question is will we use it?
If there is anything yo want me to write about or any questions you want me to answer just leave a comment and I will do my best to get back to you.
Lots of love, Claira x