A year to change my life.
I want to commit to taking a year to change my life. For years I have been on a journey to discover the true me. I had got so lost that I truly had no idea who I was. 2016 was the year I quit everything here in the UK to travel for 10 months. 2017 has been the year I have continued to grow and heal. I have gotten help and guidance where possible, continued on my journey of yoga, meditation and spiritualism and realised that after all that searching the career goal I had for the last 13 years is still pretty much the same. I want to present and host content online, radio and on TV. I want to make youtube videos. I want to talk to large groups of people and leave them feeling inspired and motivated. I want to write for my blog and I want to write a book. The most important thing about all this is that I want to help other people in the process, as part of the process and perhaps as the whole process.
I am aware that I will piss people off and not everyone is going to like to me. Some people will hate me. I will make mistakes. I will get things wrong but I will no longer hold myself back from all I know I am capable of and from all I know I can achieve for the fear of other peoples opinions or for the fear of the mistakes I will make along the way.
A year to change my life is about me proving to myself, to you and anyone else who wants their life to be different exactly what is possible when we commit to and are willing to make some changes not just in the way we live but the way we think and the things we believe. I have gained a lot of knowledge about how to do this but I have never put this in to practise. Why? Simply I was not ready.
I’m a grown up now but I am still dealing with the consequence of my mums death when I was 9. It was not dealt with very well. I was not given time, space or guidance on grieving. In fact I was left to my own devises to try and heal myself from such a catastrophic loss. Needless to say it didn’t go so well. It was escalated by the circumstance I found myself in throughout my childhood and by the time I reached adulthood I felt that I was an ‘it’. I had no idea who I was or what I was meant to do. I was still stuck in a time warp waiting for my mum to come back. Waiting for my life to regain any kind of normality which of course it never did. I was plagued with depression and eating disorders. I hated my body and sadly I hated myself.
Presenting happened by mistake and it was a sanctuary for me. Finally a place I could just be the me I wanted to be. I could leave all the pain and ugliness I felt behind and just be free. It’s sad that the only place I could find my voice was in front of a camera. For the most part I was shy and so awkward. I struggled to have conversations, I never felt I fitted in and above that my whole worth rested in my appearance as I literally felt I had nothing else to offer this world. I was in deep in self loathing, self hatred and worthlessness. I had become so good at hiding it no one seem to notice. In fact often my awkwardness and utter uncomfortableness was seen as arrogance and rudeness. I just had an inability to function well in many situations whether they be work, family or relationship related. This was because I had already assumed no one liked me. I hated myself so much that to envision people liking me was just not possible. Especially people I viewed as cool, attractive, popular. I had been hated at school and I never ever fitted in. I see now I was just assuming that this was the same. I seemed to have forgotten the years that had pasted. But I honestly believe that if i hated myself it was not possible for me to truly believe that other people liked me.
It took the death of my sister and a very public preventive double mastectomy to get me to embrace my life full. To stop playing a victim and take control and to set me on a path of self discovery. I am now 6 years deep. It’s almost 6 years ago that my sister, who was my best friend passed away. Her death was the thing that made me rethink my life. She wanted to be her but she couldn’t be. I am here with all these amazing possibilities so I must find away to make my life happy and no longer miserable. I was committed. I have fallen on and off the wagon of self help, therapy and the road to happiness. I have continued to persevere and the last years since my return from traveling is the year where I have felt the most change and growth with in myself. It hasn’t always been pretty or easy but it has been worth it.
Now I want to make my life hugely successful. I want to finally admit and be able to say with confidence that ‘I am good enough’ and that I do deserve to have my dreams. I am committed to really making it work. In the past I would start projects but if they didn’t get the reaction or number I expected or if I read negative comments or if something personal was going on for me I would become depressed and stop what I was doing. I didn’t see my youtube channel, my writing or my presenting for that matter as a business because I didn’t feel i was entitled to. I didn’t feel I was good enough too. I want to tell you that I am good enough but I also want to point out that so are you. You are good enough, more than good enough to achieve, be and have all that you want. ‘A year to change my life’ is the way to prove that.
What happens when we make a commitment? When we not only say, but believe that what we want is going to happen? When we wake up every morning grateful for what we know is already real in our minds and will soon become reality? I believe that this is how we manifest. I believe this is possible and I intend to prove it. I takes handwork but I want to prove what is possible with lots self work and belief.
Here goes nothing.. For the next 12months, 365 days I will endeavour to have a work rated that I ahem never had before. To achieve my goals and realise my dreams. Over the next few weeks and months I will share with you my goal setting, business planning and plans to make my dreams a reality. If I can do this so can you. I hope you will join me in the ‘Year to change my life’ and put it to practise in your own life.
Let’s go make history!