6 months since I left my life, family, friends and career in London behind. 6 months since I made huge decision that I needed to leave everything I knew to see the world. To find my missing piece. To finally become a whole person. To feel free. How is it going? Was it worth it? Do I have regrets? Did I do the wrong thing?
I have never felt so free, so on purpose and so capable of making changes. I have never been so able to look inwardly so openly and honestly. I have never been able to so clearly see how my thoughts and beliefs have shaped and continue to shape my life. I’m changing and as I do so is my world. Did I make the right choice? Absolutely. Are there days when I feel like I didn’t? Absolutely.
It’s not all a bunch of roses, fun, games and joy. Traveling can be lonely, hard and more than anything it can be about you really getting to know yourself. There maybe things you had very eloquently kept tucked away somewhere in your mind because they were hard to deal with. I have found that traveling has given those things nowhere to hide. I have found that being away from all the things I use to distract me from me has lead to some very profound realisations and letting goes.
It has allowed me to face things I hadn’t done before. It has allowed me to see how the beliefs I formed in childhood have hugely shaped my adult life and how they have gone completely unnoticed by me most the time. How so many of them where and are so ingrained that I have lived my life as if they were fact. THEY ARE NOT FACT. They like everything else can be questioned and changed. They like everything else are things I learnt, things I accepted and allowed myself to believe. They are the things that are stopping me and holding me back. They are the things that are standing right slap bang in the middle of my road to happiness. The thing is they are not permanent. Happiness is mine and of course yours for the taking. I just have to get out and move the blocks. It may take me a while. It may take me a whole life time of learning and growth but surely the journey is worth it?
I struggle massively with career. Did I make a huge mistake? Was I destined to be a big TV star and I fucked it up? These thoughts keep visiting. Every time I see my peers doing something ace and progressing with their career there is always a twinge of ‘what the fuck am I doing?’. However what I know is this – I was not happy with my life in London. I fought bitterly to get to where I was. The process was not fun. It was not enjoyable. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. I always felt like my achievements meant nothing and I needed to do better. I always felt as if I was waiting for the big job to land but my feelings about it weren’t positive. I didn’t believe in it. I did believe in me and as a result I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated and unhappy. When I remember this I ask myself ‘what was there to fuck up?’. The Answer is nothing.
My mum died when I was 9. That’s where it really went ‘wrong’ (I truly believe we are given the circumstance we are to learn what we are here to learn). Since that time I felt incomplete. What I know now is that no job, career or fan base would ever make me feel whole. No amount of money, no amount of love from a man and no amount of success could complete me. That’s why I left. That’s why I could walk away.
One chance at this lifetime. That’s all we got. I know this so well. If all I achieve is happiness then I think I have achieved more than most. What I’m coming to realise is that all those things society teaches us are SOOOOO important, they really aren’t. All those things it says we need, we really don’t and all the things it tell us will make us happy they really don’t. Too many people make happiness a destination. Something that they will achieve with the right conditions and circumstance have been met and got. The thing is that type of externally reliant happiness never lasts. It can be taken away, you can be easily distracted from it, it can be overridden in a instant. NOW is for happiness. Right now. If you have no idea how to do that then maybe just maybe you need to make some changes yourself. Maybe nothing as drastic as me. I genuinely felt I had no choice and that I needed to go. I felt such a huge pull that I find myself feeling like I didn’t really have a choice. I knew I needed to go. I knew I had to go. I am now more sure than ever.
6 months on and I have seen some amazing things, I have visited truly spectacular places, I have had some serious fun, I have met profoundly brilliant people, I have faced fears, I have taken planes, boats, buses, mini vans and walked miles and miles. I have laughed till I cried, cried till I laughed and everything in-between. I have succeeded and failed but more than anything I have grown and learnt more about myself than I could have imagined. I have found a love for myself I never thought possible. A love which drives me to go deeper and discover more. A love which tells me not to stop, which supports me no matter what. A love that is helping me unlearn everything I thought I knew and making me realise I know nothing.
Will I be back? Of course ‘I’ will be back but perhaps with out C, L, A, R and A. Life is about learning who the ‘I’ is. I truly believe that. Who is the ‘I’? The one that was there before you learnt all the crap? That’s the ‘I’ I’m interested in. The complete and whole one. Life really is a beautiful thing. I am very grateful for mine. I hope you are for yours too.
Love and light,