The penny is finally dropping for me. I know this isn’t it because I will never reach ‘it’ and that I believe is the whole point. The growth and discovery continues and we continue. That’s the beauty. That’s what keeps me searching and seeking. That’s what keeps me growing and expanding.
I started going back to see a therapist after years. If I’m honest I dipped in and out of therapy on several occasions. Never finding the right person or having something to do that meant I could commit to it. Therapy is BRILLIANT. For all of us. For me it’s been a game changer. Recently I was speaking to someone who asked for advice for people trying to succeed and suggested therapy. She said ‘I mean advice for everyone not just those suffering from mental illness’. I pointed out that in a way we are all suffering with some type of mental illness if that’s what we need to call it. Therapy has helped me untangle so much, to be really honest and to finally start to see things shift and change. That’s priceless to me.
Until recently I had given up on my dreams and denied what I truly love because I forgot what I really am. Tongue twister. I am a presenter. I love to make radio and video content. I LOVE IT. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel a surge of energy that is like nothing else. It’s my passion. I gave up on it. I realised with the help of my therapist that I was thinking from the end which made me feel totally hopeless which in turn meant that I stopped admitting (even to myself) what my dream was. I had given up because I was using past experiences to determine future ones before I had even had a chance.
For example recently I had the opportunity to send some ideas to a TV channel. I have been in similar positions so many times and every time I get to this point the answer had been ‘no’ or ‘not this time’. This meant that when I talked about the ideas and the situation with my therapist I was adamant that I already knew what was going to happen. Because I thought this way I didn’t even try and because I didn’t even try there was never a change they could say no. The fear of rejection and my thinking and believing it was already over made it so without me even trying. I defeated myself with limiting and negative thoughts affected by past experience. Now I’m working very hard to change this. Now I see that I have blocked myself from what I wanted most in life because I was unable to change my thinking. Your world and my world are reflections of the conversations in our minds. Is yours self defeating and negative? Are you telling yourself out of greatness or into it? Do you believe you are good enough for what you want or is it ingrained in your mind that you are not good enough? Because this is what’s stopping you. This is what is shaping your life. To waste your energy trying to change the outside circumstances when your inside world doesn’t match want you want to see is just never going to bring you any joy. How do I know? Because I did it?
I did it by trying desperately to get this interview or that interview. To get this many views or that many views. To send email after email while I felt desperate and unworthy. Those feeling of desperation and unworthiness were what was shaping my world and my experience. Not the actions. The thoughts that show up on the body as emotions.
The moral of my experience is change starts within you not without you. Do whatever it takes and you will see what you want to see. It’s not easy it takes time. Make a commitment to yourself because you deserve it.
Love and light,